tumblr is down, hello blogger.

Yesterday I wrote a list of foods I'd like to eat. I am obsessed with food at the moment. Goddamn it's not healthy. I can feel the scales glaring at me. My diet plan actually has to kick in. Thank god I will be in melbourne next week where I won't be able to afford to eat all the time. If only I could deal with the laxative approach but that is painful. A lot of the time I wish I had the self control that girls with ED's have. It would make life easier. Purging is a no-go. I don't want to ruin my teeth. I also don't want an ED. An ED that you can switch on and off would be nice. Actually sometimes...it's a horrible horrible thought, but I have wanted an ED in the past and have been angry at myself for not being able to control myself enough. I wish I had no appetite. I should take suppressants again. Or  go through a break up. Or have surgery. Wisdom teeth out perhaps. I have a messed up mindset sometimes. And this is why I need sleeping pills sometimes but the stupid bitch won't give them to me. I weigh 59kg. Its funny how I base a lot of my happiness on a number on a set of scales. But no matter what I am told it won't change my opinion of myself. There is always something wrong. Always. Maybe if I go on the pill and exercise/not eat then I will just get bigger tits AND keep the weight off. I think everybody is crazy on the inside. Surely these thoughts are not uncommon or original. I am not going to eat anything but some asparagus and broccoli until dinner. If I go to bed hungry tonight I will be pleased with myself. I hate that the days I go to start my diet I get invited out for the purpose of eating. It makes me feel so weak inside when I eat something unhealthy or a large portion because I feel obliged to by company. I want to write this on my prog blog but stupid tumblr is down so I have to write here. Today: 2 pieces toast (white, admittedly but I've gone through the brown bread) with peanut butter. I will have a huge glass of water and a glass of milk in a minute. Lunch will be broccoli, asparagus, sunflower seeds and green tea. Dinner, don't know. BUT THERE WON'T BE CHOCOLATE. I need to clean my ear piercing. I want my navel done next. Piercings are such satisfying experiences.